Hey all
Yesterday I had another day of roaming the streets and even ran into a rugby game to watch. Was fun exploring parts of town I had not been in before and making my way up and down bluffs, stairs , paths and roads to see where they all ended up. One could really get turned around in this town very easily I know that for a fact.
Today,I guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself and my family and I need to vent a bit as I sit here on a very dark and dreary Japan day. Then to add to the grayness I just got word from my brother that my dad is back in the hospital. Cancer sucks !!! So if you don't want to hear me try and make sense of what is happening in my life (this is my journal remember)... read no further.
I guess dad has been eating very small amounts of food lately and is getting weaker and more frail. Mark said he lost 14lbs in the last 2 weeks. WOW! He just had appts last week and all vital signs were good and tests showed nothing more was growing in his brain? Yeah! He also, was again told by the docs he could not drive ever again and so that I'm sure was probably the hardest thing for him to hear...he is not letting that go easily as you can see. He is obviously hoping they will change their minds one day? :-) Gotta give him effort for trying at least and keeping his hope alive. I just hope that isn't his only reason for wanting his life to continue on? Perhaps he might be a bit depressed as well and so my guess is that makes things all the worse.:-(
Dad also commented to my mom how it's been 4 months now since he was told he was terminal on Oct 6th and without treatment may have 4-6 months to live...so as a man of control and statistics I am GUESSING that weighs heavily on his mind too? He has always made such a big deal over the years about passing the milestone and living longer than his dad who died at 79yrs old?
Yikes..it is so hard to hear all this and yet be able to do nothing but try and stay positive myself and keep giving them positive feedback to keep up the fight. I have not talked with dad since last week and will try to call him when he wakes tomorrow.
I often feel sad and confused as I sit here enjoying each day and trying to live my life, yet always wondering if I "should" be back home and helping to care for him/them more. I often feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as I don't want to go back home, yet I find I am not wanting to get too involved here either? Sometimes I feel like I am wasting time here and yet other times it feels good just to be me, more relaxed and to do what I want to do when I feel like it. No shoulds, have to's...I know more people would love to have that option and yet, I often find myself feeling guilty I have it and not knowing at times what the "RIGHT" thing is to do. I still can't seem to let go of all those should, would, could, right, wrong answers, but I think I am getting better ?? Hopefully I am anyway.
I know I am getting lots of life lesson opportunities while being far away from home and family, and it will be interesting to see how it all plays itself out down the road? I am trying to live one day at a time and really enjoy it while I am out and about exploring, learning, and hopefully meeting people...I have been learning to spend alot of time alone and most days I do NOT talk to anyone but CJ all day. Oh I do write lots of emails and letters, but no one on one face to face conversation with real live people. Most days I LOVE it, but it can also be very lonely at times as well.
I just wish somedays every person I walked past would say Hi back and even chat a sentence or two. If that ever happens I will CELEBRATE big time!!! Yesterday I think I passed like 30 people on my walk and only 5 commented back Konnichiwa with a smile when I greeted them:-(... otherwise, they pass you by and most look down at the ground or off in the distance past you. This for me is probably one of the hardest things to adjust to, yet I will not give up though as those few words and smiles I did get made it worth my effort.:-)
Ok sorry I got off track..so dad fell I am guessing on Valentines night and after 5 hours of laying on the floor trying to get up with no luck...he finally gave mom permission to call and get some help when he needed to go to the bathroom. She wanted to call much earlier but dad said "NO, we will figure this out"!! (he is a stubborn man that likes to be in control). When I talked with her today she asked why he was punishing himself so and that she felt like she was treating him like an animal and it stressed her out so she went into the bathroom and starting cutting her hair for something to keep herself occupied. Uff da!
So as you can see, we are in the midst of having to make some new choices on how best to care for these two. Dad is in the hospital and having some more tests done to see if he has internal bleeding anywhere, or if he has any liver or kidney disfunction? So I will let you know more as I find out myself? I hope I can keep things in perspective and try to continue to help and support them the best I know how from afar.
Peace
Karla
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